Eggman Gets Mauled By A Bear
by Deathclaws
Summary: BEAR! Mephiles! No- not Meph, IBLIS! What does it all mean!


There were two vegimite-looking figures in a small, sunny forest clearing, somewhere in Mazuri, one huge the other tiny. One was world renowned Dr Robotnik - or rather Dr Eggman, if you referenced him by his love of the peanutbutter Beatles. The other was Miles Prower, who truly despised his parents, or rather, namers.

One a crazied, immoral, psychopathic, mad-genius hell-bent on world domination: he who would stop to any low to achieve his goals, even patricide of infantcide. The other a middle-aged human scientist with a ridiculously large moustache.

"Wohohohohohohohoooo! This is it T" Eggman started laughing, but was cut off by a long, low growl. "W-w-w-wAAAAA! FUCK!" He spun around to see a huge bare bear that was bare, easily 50 feet (or 294848.69 metres) tall. It had claws the size of emerald plates and teeth the size and consistency of blue whales. Its tiny black, rat-like eyes were like a cats; Eggman had no doubt they could shoot out rockets if need be. S small tail was hidden behind him, the same sort that ate babies. The wild feral bears jaws seemed to be smirking. His eyes widening so much you could actually see them rather than just his glasses(they were blue like fire), Eggman dropped to his knees, willing to do anything to not get eaten by the no-doubt eating bear.

"DON'T EAT ME! I taste bad! Real bad! Like fucked-up vegimited-cabbage mixed with ynockie!" Eggman pleasded. Tails meanwhile stared at the fat would-be conqueror. Smart, yes, but so much wasted potential. If only he had gotten to him sooner...

"W-hoah! Chillax dude, I'm, like, tots a vegetarian," the bear assured them in a voice like Jason Griffith's mixed with a pig breeding British dancer. "I'm on a no-fat lose-weight diet. Skinny dudes like you have no tasty fat on anyways, so I'm like -" The bear's voice suddenly changed dramatically, becoming a cross between Satan's and Hugh Jackman. "OH ALMIGHTY MARS AND FUCKING JUPITER! WHO THE FUCK AM I FUCKING KIDDING?! I'M A MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNSTER !"

With that declaration he sprang at the two intellectual geniuses, clearing meaning for bear-like things to happen.

"We should go T- WHERE THE FISHFINGERS IN CUSTARD ARE YOU!" Eggman gave up Tails for a lost cause and grabbed a nearby stop-sign, impaling a tree accidentally in his haste.

"TO PROVE MY MANLY SUPIRIORITY TO OTHER BEAR AND BARE CREATURES I MUST MAUL YOU TO DEATH!" The bear screamed, loud enough to blast a bunny-rabbit out of a microwave. Eggman wanted to jump in his fly-y carrier for the weight-disabled but it was gone! Goner than a hard one at the sight of Eggman in drag!

The bare bear's jaws were right in front of the Eggman's face. But Eggman wasn't a supervillain for nothing! He had 3,000,000 ego points! "But you said you're a vegetarian! So you can't eat me because I have meat in me. And bones, but they count as non-vegetarian too. Go find a planet of plants or something if you wish to partake in the process of mauling you shall have to travel there. So there! To the... _plant_net..." Eggman boomed out like a dolphin exposed to acute gamma-ray radiation. And he would know, being the closet animal-rights activist he was. He then proceed to burp out laughing at his dorked up giggle-joke.

But the bear bare merely laughed too, though for a different reason. "Foolish FATSO! You will pay for the ear burning coke! I mean I was gonna tots maul you anyways, after I couldn't keep myself in my heel-face turn position... *I'm a monster! *SOB** BUT I AINT GONNA TOTS EAT YA SO THE JOKE IS ON YOU! I'm gonna maul you, with my maul! It's a type of hammer! Joke's on you white-boy! You aint so fly!" The bare bear mauled him. Then it mauled him some more. MAUL MAUL MAUL MAUL! It was having so much fun it invited some friends over to maul with it. They were all wood-cutter bears, so every very experienced with mauling. They practiced mauling every day! There were very humble a kind, so of course they were happy to join in!

* * *

"Vill thou give mine own humble selves another vision if I do thy the honour of finish?" Tikal giggled, staring loving-like at the Master Emerald.

"M'KAY M'KAY THAT'S ENOUGH. I'M HERE TO GUARD, NOT BE FORCIBLY EXPOSED TO THIS KINKY SHMIT." The other enkidna present was at his wit's end. He paid her in eggs to clean the thing with her hands, not her disgustingly long tongue. (Well, Knuckles admitted, she would do it anyway and he couldn't stop her 'coz she was a spirit, but he had to do something with all those eggs. Tikal was good for getting them out of his deformed devil-born hands... BUTT STILL.)

"OH! A VISION!" Tikal shouted jubilantly. They both stared at the anti-quantum duck-like emerald while it showed them a vision. A horrifyingly horryfied vision that they had to stop.

"Well that was as clear as an acid-trip," Knuckles said decidedly smashing his fist on a lemon. "We must warn our friends and Sonic. That way they can do all the work and we can relax up here."

"YAY! We can see Rogue too while we're down there!" Tikal squeaked, then paused, glancing at her possible-relative. "N-not that I-I've met her before or anything. UH, SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN LUV WITH HER?!"

Knuckles, who had been about to be suspicious of anyone who was associated with such a soul-sucking bat was completely infuriation, forgetting he was supposed to be suspisionfull.

"WAT. No. I WOULD RATHER RIDE A TEN-AND-A-HALFDAY-DEAD WILD-ASS DONKEY CROSSED WITH A HUMAN ELEPHANT WITH A ROCK FOR A BACK SIDE." And so they went to some snow, built a snowman to train for going down to Earthius. But just as they were leaving something horrible started to happen. Skies grew dark, mountains shook, trees crappled. It was.

**IBLIS**!~~~!~~~~~~~~~~~!


End file.
